Don’t get me wrong about this. I love futons. I think they are the final word on what a mattress should be. They are simply a lot of cotton wrapped in a big cotton bag with some buttons also covered in cotton. What could be simpler or more comfortable? They are firm and squishy at the same time and hands down give me the best nights’ sleep I have ever had.
The frames, however, seem to have it in for me. For one thing, they bite. If you have ever had the pleasure of moving a futon frame from one room to another, then I feel certain that you have been bitten at least once by these clever beasts. They are one of the predators of the furniture world. They seem to love the taste of human flesh.
And when you fall asleep on one that is not folded out flat into sleeping position, you find upon waking that it is nearly impossible to get out of them. It is like having your own futon black hole, pulling you ever closer to the futon event horizon, left to forever circle in the inevitable grasp of futon gravity.
Yesterday, I thought it would be a good idea to sit on my newly freed futon and read a book. (By newly freed, I mean that I finally quit using it as a place to store clean laundry. In other words, it had become a flat place to put things that I did not want on the floor and finally I cleaned it.)
I began my adventure into reading by sitting upright, enjoying my futon’s comfort and squishy goodness. Reading a book had taken on a new meaning with my futon. Soon I found myself slipping into a semi reclined position, basking in comfort. Before I even knew what was happening, I was waking up, unable to move, trapped by my stealthy futon! Wallowing and rolling like a trapped beast did no good, but did result in some interesting video that my wife is threatening to send to some popular long running TV show.
Should I sue the manufacturer for not posting a warning that futons have a gravity abnormality? Should I contact some government agency and demand that they address this safety issue? Should I collect like minded individuals and take over some park somewhere in protest? Perhaps I should destroy my frame in some dramatic fashion, recording the event and getting my protest on the local news? Will the government agency that is reputed to protect me from dishonest manufacturers get involved and force resolution to this problem?
Fuck it. That seems like a lot of work. I think I will just not fall asleep with the damn thing in sitting position any more.
Problem solved.
