I heard a wonderful description of how the government does business, and thought I would share it with you with my unusual embellishments.
“We want you to bring Big Government a rock”, says Big Government
“I will bring you a rock for $5”, you say. You are thinking that rocks are free and that this is going to be the easiest $5 that you have ever made.
“Deal!” says Big Government, “If you will just sign here then you can go get us a rock and we will pay you $5.”
You return with a rock. It is a nice rock and easily worth $5. It is about ten inches across and smooth with many pretty colors in it.
“That is a very nice rock,” says Big Government, “but it is not what we were looking for in a rock. You need to go get us another rock.”
Being eager to please Big Government, you go get another rock. This is a bigger rock with beautiful layers in it and a wonderful sheen in the right light. It was very heavy and hard to get in your truck.
“That is a very nice rock,” says Big Government, “but it is not what we were looking for in a rock. You need to go get us another rock.”
“I would love to go get you another rock,” you say to Big Government, “but can you give me some idea of what you are looking for in a rock?”
“We will know it when we see it,” says Big Government,” Now go get us another rock because we are running out of time.”
Trying to apply reason to the situation, you say, “We could save lots of time if you could give me some kind of an idea in what you want in a rock. Do you want a bigger rock, a smaller rock, a pointy rock, smooth rock, a rock with certain colors or a certain kind of material?”
“That is Classified information,” says Big Government, “Now get us that rock! We are running out of time.”
This time you go and get fifteen rocks. Each rock is different and you have provided a very good selection of rocks to choose from.
Big Government looks over the rocks you have brought and points out one of them. “Do you have that rock in a slightly smaller size with three points on one axis and a density slightly less than water?”
“No I don’t,” you say. “I don’t think I have any rocks at all that will float in water.”
Getting stern, Big Government points the fickle finger of litigation at you. “You signed this contract saying that you would get us a rock for $5. We need that rock now. You have 24 hours to provide the rock. If you don’t provide the rock, we will sue you for breech of contract and ruin your rock business.”
“But I have already brought you 17 rocks! Until just now you never provided any description of the rock! The contract just says ‘rock’, not ‘rock about nine inches across with three points on one axis and a density slightly less than water’”, you respond with justifiable indignation.
“That information is classified! Now go get us that rock!” yells Big Government. “You have 24 hours from right now!”
You then do what right thinking people do and apply yourself to the problem and do the best you possibly can. You research what little information you have and learn that there are in fact some rocks that float in water, and lucky for you, some can be found less than ninety miles away. You drive to where these rocks can be found and search for 8 hours until a rock meeting the description is found. You bring the rock to Big Government hours before the deadline.
The people you need to see are in safety meetings about the danger of paper cuts and cannot see you until literally minutes before the deadline.
They look at the rock. They look at the rock more carefully. They photograph the rock and measure the density. They count the number of points. They document the rock as though it were brought back from the moon.
“Congratulations!” says Big Government. “You have found the rock! We will approve your invoice for $5.”
“Wait!” you say, “I actually provided you with 18 rocks. They are all in that pile right there! The way I see it, you owe me $90, not $5!”
“The contract was for the rock (singular) and was for $5. The rest is your problem. By the way, you need to get that pile of 17 rocks out of here or we will have to charge you a disposal fee of no less than $1500. See your contract for the details.”
You load the 17 rocks into your pickup truck and get the hell out of there as fast as you can; fuming that you spent all that effort for just $5.
The following week, you receive a bill for $1500 dollars for the disposal of 18 rocks, and a letter telling you that you will not be paid on your invoice until the bill is settled. You respond to the letter, explaining that you took 17 rocks with you when you left and that you need to get paid the $5, seeing as how you invested far more than $5 in getting them that silly rock in the first place and baby needs new snakeskin shoes.
Big Government replies that you broke federal law in removing 18 rocks that were Government property from a Government facility and that you will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
You write a detailed letter in response, telling Big Government that you removed 17 rocks that were not government property because you were going to be charged $1500 dollars if you left them there. You explain carefully the entire sequence of events and how you have done nothing wrong and that you just want your $5 and be done with the whole affair. You send copies of the letter to your lawyer and everyone you ever talked to in making this deal.
After fifteen phone calls, five visits from federal investigators, and photographs of the 17 rocks in question, the matter is close to being settled. Big Government finally recognizes that you have fulfilled your contract and did not remove government property and you did in fact leave the ONE ROCK that you are trying to get paid for.
During the investigation, you learn that Big Government has lost track of the ONE ROCK and can’t find it anywhere.
Now six months have passed and you finally get a check in the mail for $5. Along with the check is a letter stating that Big Government is again looking for a rock and that since you provided the ONE ROCK they want to know if you want to bid on getting another rock just like ONE ROCK since you have proven that you can do the job.
You figure ‘What the hell?’ and calculate what the ONE ROCK would actually cost you provided you knew then what you know now. You figure that you have to drive 90 miles, spend 8 hours looking for another rock like the ONE ROCK and drive another 90 miles back. You submit a bid based on 11 hours of your time at the going rate for people that look for rocks for a living in that area. You include the going government rate for mileage and nothing more. You figure that you have this one in the bag.
Big Government later tells you that you are not awarded the contract because they found someone else that will provide a rock for $5, and that your bid was excessively high and you are no longer on the preferred contractor’s list.
